ID Card Fun
This one's doing the rounds right now. Thanks to Alan Graham who I nicked it from.
Operator: "Thank you for calling Domino's. May I have your national ID number?"
Customer: "I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number. Erm, haud on, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Smith. I see you live at 1449 Great Western Road, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your mobile number's 266-2566. Email address is smith@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Eh? I'm at home. Where did ye get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the NSD, sir."
Customer: "The NSD, what is that?"
Operator: "We're wired into the National Security Database, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time".
Customer: (Sighs) "Right, well, I'd like to order a couple of your Spicy Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "How no?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your NHS consultant won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What the fuck? What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "How about our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you withdrew 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "OK, OK. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four weans, and the 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your order comes to £39.99."
Customer: "Jesus! Right, ma credit card number is...."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "Right then. I'll go oot tae the cashline and get some ready's afore your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your bank account's overdrawn too."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick them up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a scooter can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait a minute! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car was re-posessed last week. But your Vespa's all paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday."
Customer: " For fuck's sake!!!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2005 conviction for swearing at a traffic warden, and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for questioning the parentage of the judge." "Oh yes, and I see here that you just got out from a 30 day stay in the Barlinnie. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a voucher for a free 2 liter of Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soft drinks to Diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Dominos'!"
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